Bipolar disorder might lead my life unless I do something to live life on my own terms

Early into my recovery journey I learned fast that what I expected to be a somewhat fast recovery period would not be fast at all. I thought I would go back to school, I thought I would be one of those people who didn’t have to take medication for her entire life, and I thought I would shed weight that I have gained since going on psychotropic medications.

Some days I have bad mental health days. Days that remind me of my mental health when I was in a group home or in intensive outpatient therapy groups. I have weeks that go by with me having bad mental health and this is not what I had imagined life would be like 10 years after my diagnosis.

I thought having countless hours in therapy and being on medication I would be in a different place with my mental health.

I’ve been able to do a lot over these 10 years but I haven’t been able to do some things that I have always dreamed of doing like having my own company, be a mother, travel, and buy a house. Some of these things that I thought I would have been able to experience by the time I turn 32.

How I am affected by bipolar is something I need to change. I know that if I don’t make a change soon somewhere along the line the diagnosis is going to be too much for me and bipolar will rule my world instead of me.

I like to think I am stronger than bipolar disorder but recently I haven’t felt this way. It’s not that I don’t have anything to live for but that my mental space feels stressed and works more than it needs to. Racing thoughts, anxiety, and the need to take the easy way out for anything that is stressful happens more than I would like to confess.

Giving up would be easy, but deep down I know if I ever decided to take my depressive thoughts seriously I would regret it. I wouldn’t have my husbands support and love, hangout with family and friends, or be able to cuddle with my dog Jaxxy. Life is different when you have no life at all (although I like to think there is a life after death).

I knew that life with bipolar would be hard but I also thought that when I crossed my 10 year diagnosed anniversary that I would be in a different place than I am now.

I guess when someone like me has been through what I feel has been hell and you’ve held on this long you try and believe life is going to breakthrough to you right? That some higher being, maybe the mental illness god, would look at your situation and see that you’ve “behaved” and improved so that you would be given a gold star by god himself!?

I often try and remember that years in the future I will look back on life and periods where I have felt like I have struggled as an opportunity to learn about myself. I try and remember that what feels like failure and hardship will most likely look like triumphs in the future.

Maybe living isn’t about going on vacations, having a lot of money, having life go as it is expected to progress, but instead about the character one builds through struggles while living life as it happens.

Living life on my own terms

To live life on my own terms is something I want to be able to reflect on when I am older. I want to be able to say I have lived, thrived, and experienced life to the fullest.

For the longest time I have believed underneath that I might not have what it takes to achieve my dreams because I experience bipolar disorder.

I am good at showing that I am confident but I don’t feel confident inside my heart.

Taking back control is not going to be a walk in the park.

Two weeks ago I was able to start a schedule inspired by a Youtuber that I follow. I did this schedule for about a week and I saw a difference in how I felt and how I used my day. Instead of leading with how I felt mentally I led with intention.

During the two weeks I also managed to walk an average of 2.5 miles a day (some days I did more than 4 miles!) and I felt amazing.

I haven’t tried living with a schedule or working out on a regular basis for a long period of time but the short spurts that I have experienced have proven to me that changing my lifestyle is going to get me results.

Living life on my own terms without bipolar disorder leading the way is going to be hard but I hope I will have some positive results.